As of last Tuesday I am unemployed. Big curve ball for me, an unexpected end, but one that I was going to bring to an end soon. It was an odd feeling. I didn't actually quit and I wasn't fired, but yet I didn't work for this family anymore.
Then on Friday my car died. Talk about either great timing or lousy timing. Great because I didn't have to drive to a job anymore, but lousy because it makes it even harder to find a job now.
Well I believe this is all in God's plan for me and His timing, isn't everything that happens? But I felt very discouraged still. I felt that I was finally at peace with my walk with God and that I was starting to fully trust Him and not have any doubts, but then all this happened and I felt like I got knocked down again and my faith faltered some. My husband called me out on it even. He asked me what happened to all my faith? He pointed out that I had just three days earlier had so much faith and was all excited about what God was doing in our lives and then a few bumps come along and then I have no faith. It was true... and I didn't know how to get back to that place that I was at. I still don't, but I am trying.
I struggle sometimes with God's plan for me. At times I feel like I know where he is directing me, and other times, which feels like a lot lately, I feel like someone spun me around 20 times and then set me loose to go the way that my dizzy body would take me. I hate that feeling. I want to know what I am supposed to do.
I don't have any clue what I want to do with my life. I know I want to be a wife, which I am now, and that I want to be a mother, which I am still waiting on. But as for work and my career path, I have no clue, other than I want to work with kids but not be a teacher. Which leaves me feeling stranded, scared, nervous, angry, and just blah.
Every where I look around me, everybody seems (from my point of view) to know what they want with their life and where they are going. I did three years of college, then pretty much gave up because I realized the path I was taking wasn't the one for me. Now I am a young married woman with a loving husband, but feeling like a failure for not knowing what God has for me to do in this life. I feel like I am a waste of space. That I am just taking up space in this world where God could be using other's to do such great amazing things.
Change of subject now: Friends.
I have felt so much lately that I am lonely, but then I am reminded that I am loved because my friends will reach out to me a little bit, as much as you can count facebook as reaching out. They will say things like I miss you and when are you going to be back in the area. Why is it that I have to be the one who always goes back and visits them? Am I the only true friend? Why doesn't anyone feel the need to come to me or come to my area? I get sick of trying so hard sometimes to keep them close. I wonder how many of them would still "contact" me if I didn't make any effort to keep our friendship alive. Part of me is scared to do that, because I already feel lonely and I don't think I could handle that truth. But I am tired of no one coming to see me, even when they say they will come see me, and wanting me to come see them.
I am just tired in general. Life is a tropical jungle at the moment. It is very hard to navigate through and I am stuck in the thick of it and not sure how to get out. I will just continue to seek God and know that He will continue to provide for me as He always has.
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