Holiday

Eat, Drink and be Merry;

Raise a glass to berries and twigs.

'Twas the night to remember between friends.

Santa's Helper and the Dinner belle

Realized without warm welcomes,

the brightest bulb is out in 2.

Make way for the award-winning candy-dish comeback;

smile pretty into the woods,

Set your sites on berried treasure.

1 top secret wish list;

Christmas results to 85% Cookie breaks,

No sweeter is a surprise package.

Add your warmth around the gifts.

Share the best, Spread the joy, Celebrate the Holidays.

Present the gift of a smile.

Party central has gone full circle.

$$$$$$$

Why do we absorb what the world tells us we need to do? I feel like the TV is always telling you to buy buy buy because they are always advertising cars, clothes, food, and anything else you could buy. It makes it extremely hard when you are trying to save money. It also sucks for when you do great at not spending money, because that means you have just sat at home all day doing nothing, because it is very hard to go out in our day and not spend any money while you are out and about.

Why does money have to be so important? I see so many friends who are in the same boat as me and Jon, but it isn't an encouragement like I wish it would be. My friends facebook status just a couple minutes ago was, "Will we ALWAYS have to worry about money? Will it ever end!?" That is how I feel.

Then I remember marriage counseling, and the stat that $$$ is the #1 cause for divorce now. And that is scary. So when do we stop worrying and how do we stop spending on things that we don't need and food that we don't need to eat because we have food at home. Well, it starts by trusting God.

GOD. It seems too simple doesn't it? It is too, but God is truly the answer. I think that if you aren't a Christian and you are married that you are going to have an even bigger struggle with this. The reason, Because God isn't at the center of your marriage. The only way you can make it through these tough times of money struggles is to rely on God. Have Him be the center of your marriage. That also goes to help with so many other areas of life as well.

God has blessed us beyond belief, not just financially lately, but with our wonderful families, with jobs, with running cars and not having car payments. I so easily look past all of that and complain that we don't have enough money, we don't have this we don't have that. I am selfish. I am tired of being selfish. I am going to change.

Jon and I made a goal this weekend to not spend any money on eating out or entertainment, and to also carry that into the week and not spend money on coffee runs, pop runs, lunch out with the guys, all those little expenses we accumulate through out the week. We have looked at our money and our bank statements and have realized that we have a lot of useless spending that is happening, when we really should be saving that money, and paying the loans that we keep saying we don't have money to pay.

December is going to be a different month for the Randall household. We have looked at our money, what is coming in and what has to go out for bills and realized that we really do have an excess of money. That we have plenty of money actually to be paying our loans... all of them. But we are selfish and think of our wants first and our bellies, and then that money disappears and has actually gotten us into a lot of trouble.

My prayer for us is that God would continue to convict us of our selfishness and that we would be way wiser in our spending. That we would only spend money on what we HAVE to, like bills and groceries, and that the rest would be used to Glorify God. We can do this, and I believe that it will be hard, but God is at the center of our relationship and if we keep drawing towards God and relying on Him and working hard as well, God will continue to bless us and teach us from the error's of our ways. We will emerge triumphant! :)

Crazy Much!?

It's almost to crazy to even talk about. How is all this happening? I shouldn't be complaining because it is all good, but so very crazy!

I was going through our loan papers last night trying to figure out a lump sum of what is due each month for them. Stressful work, but something that needed to be done so we can start working on paying some of them. I was checking out two of my huge loans to see what the monthly payment would be for those, and that's when it got super CRAZY! God totally took care of them. I don't know how he didn't and I am not going to even try to figure it out, but when I logged on to the site, I saw all these zero's. I was thinking, that can't be right, can it? Which it can't... But it was! I clicked on the details of the accounts and both of them said PAID IN FULL!! I felt and still feel very confused. I don't understand or know how it happened, seeing is they are so weird about talking and dealing with you in person. All I can say is God heard my desperate cry. Those two loans equalled roughly 30 grand! Major stress relieved. I am thanking God tremendously right now. And it happened at such an awesome time. A time when I was feeling down and stuck and not sure what we were going to do.

Then today I opened what I assumed to be a letter to Jon telling him again about the money he had in a retirement fund that he had set up when he was working for Old Navy. We knew how much was in there, but Jon had called to see about taking it out so we could have that money and the person he talked to said we really wouldn't get much of that money back, so we decided to leave it in there. It wasn't hurting anything. I opened it, realized it was a check, and for pretty much the whole amount that was in there! God is so good. He has blessed us twice in a day, and blessed us with so much more too. I don't know how all this is happening other than it is GOD. I have been praying and crying out because we have been struggling, and I have felt that God has been silent, but I am waking up and realizing that He is not silent. He needed me to get to a point where I had nothing left and had to fully lean on Him for support and for Him to take care of me.

I get in this rut of having/trying to do everything on my own, even when I say I am trusting God to handle it. I usually just say it and don't fully mean it. But the past two weeks I have been at my breaking point. A point of "give up". A point where I didn't care where we lived or what we were doing, just as long as we were living some where that paid us, so we could take care of our debt. That is the place God was getting me to, because I have been trying so hard to control where we are going to go after this internship. I wanted to be by family, no matter what. I needed to be closer to them, and not that I don't still want that, But I have realized that I need to fully trust God and allow Him to move Me where He is calling Us.

Crazy surprises, but awesome ones. They show me how much my God loves me and cares for me. And that He does hear me when I cry out in desperation, even when I think He doesn't. GOD YOU ARE AWESOME! I love you! Thank You!

A Happy Hill

Some days I get in this mood where I need everything organized... It usually doesn't take to long because most of my stuff is already very organized, but there are those places that get neglected, like the front coat closet, the storage closet, and even the cupboards for my food or containers. I have always been a semi neat person, but My father has come out in me tremendously since college. Not that my mom isn't clean, she is, but my clean is like my dads. We clean and we organize and everything has to have a place. If it doesn't have a place then it usually gets thrown away.

The one thing I have learned from my dad, though, is to always look in a box before you through it away, or papers. Yes, my dad has thrown away my paper that was due the next day because I left it on the counter for Me to remember the next day, and he saw it as junk. He also through away the box of our homemade christmas ornaments that we had been accumulating for years, because it was light so he thought it was trash. Thus, look in boxes and at things before just pitching them.

So can you guess what I did today? Right when I woke up pretty much. I attacked the front closet and the storage closet! Man did it feel good. I went through like 6 totes, threw away a ton from all of those and condensed things to where I had two open totes! So I put the sleeping bags in a tote so they weren't free fallin all over the storage closet. Then I attacked the front closet. put all the stuff that didn't need to be in there in the other free tote and organized the mitten and hats and scarves in a little basket I found and got all ready for winter. Such a great feeling!

I am one of those weird people that by just being able to do that, I was instantly in a better mood. My husband even noticed. He said to me at lunch today that he could tell I organized things, I was in a good mood! He told me that each time I organize something, I am always in a good mood afterward. It surprised me, but when I thought about it, it made a lot of sense. I put some organization into my life, when I can't always put it there.

I realized, too, that I get very cranky when I feel like life is out of control. (I have a control issue, if I haven't said that yet. I am working on it though.) So when I CAN control something, like the organization of my house, I feel a lot better.

So today was a happy hill in my life. It was a day where I didn't feel like I was spinning out of control or lost, but a day that I claimed to be my day; a day that I organized and enjoyed. I day that I really desperately needed right now.

Jesus: The Man of My Dreams

I had coaching tonight and Sarah said in her Beth Moore study, Beth said that it was hard for her to think about Jesus, the man of her dreams, beaten and nailed to a cross, and then put in a tomb, and not able to do anything about it. Sarah then mentioned how she had never looked at Jesus that way; as the man of her dreams. I realized I hadn't either.

Jesus, The Man of My Dreams. He should be the only one I say that about, yet I only apply that phrase; Man of My Dreams; to my husband. Honestly, my husband can't even be the man of my dreams, because when you think about it, in your dreams, that man is the picture of perfection. He looks and acts exactly the way you want him to. He does everything right away when you ask, he does anything for you without complaing; waits on you hand and foot. That isn't my husband, I wish it was, but my husband is human, he is a sinner, so that isn't him. There are days he is some of those, but there are more days that he isn't. But Jesus is all of those.

Jesus would be all those things that I listed if he was a being that I could touch right now. But he is still those even though I can't see him. I just never think of him that way or trust him in that way. How messed up is that? My savior, the one who bled and died on a cross for my sins, is the man of my dreams who would wait on me hand and foot! But I don't think of him that way.

How different would my life be if I thought of him that way? How differently would I approach my quiet time? I would probably have more quiet time! Wouldn't you? When you are dating someone or married to someone, you want to spend as much time as possible with them and get to know them better and just be in their presence, yet I do not approach God that way. I more approach him as a chore to mark off my list... Disgusting I know!

JESUS, THE MAN OF MY DREAMS... I need to get up every morning and remind myself of that. That if he is truly the man of my dreams, why am I not longing to know everything about him and to just be in his presence? I should be devoting so much more of myself to him.

Jesus, the Man of My Dreams... It's so romantic. It's so true. It's how I need to live each and every day.

Discouraged? Disappointed? or Just in the Dumps?

So I am not sure which one of those words in my title I am actually feeling at the moment... Maybe all of them to be quite frank.

Life has been really rough to me right now. I feel that God hasn't given me any answers to anything I have been praying about for the past year. I pray and pray and pray that He would give us direction and clarity as to where He would be leading us and taking us and just what we are supposed to do in the future, but He is silent. He isn't answering, and it makes me angry. Some people say it's foolish to be mad at God and to be Angry at Him; that it isn't right. Well, for me, it's how I work things out with God. It's how I can fully communicate to God my heart. It's not an anger that says "I hate God and I don't trust him any more." It's more of an anger that says "God I am angry! I don't understand! Speak to me. I am trying to listen and do what you want for my life, but You are giving no answers after praying and praying and praying. I need you in this time. Give us some clarity Please!"

Florida has no money for us. There is possibly a housing stipend, but there is not a paycheck or benefits, two things of which we need. Colorado, and living with my parents is our other option at the moment, but the only expense knocked out there is Rent. And we don't have jobs out there, we would have to find them, and they are scarce.

I feel that I/we are just stuck in a hole that got filled with cement and we can't get out. We can't find a chisel to break free. And once we were free, we still would be stuck in the hole with no way out. I need a way out!!!

So I am in this place of anger and confusion. I almost feel bitter at the present state of mind. I have been praying for answers for about a year, and yet I only have more questions. I am at my wits end. I feel like I can't do it anymore. God I need answers!! I don't know what else to ask for or to do or to say. I'm tired of the silence and I am ready for you to make clear where we are supposed to go or what we are supposed to do!

Please!

Redeeming Love

So I just finished a book called "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers. An amazing book! I would say that it is probably my new favorite. She came up with the idea of the book from the Book of the Bible Hosea.

Hosea is about a prophet that God tells to marry a prostitute and how he always has to go back and get her and bring her home because she always leaves him to go back to her old ways. God uses Hosea's life as an example the the Israelite people and how He is always bringing them back to Him even though they continually go back to their old ways of life. (which is also us today)

Such a powerful story. Through reading this book by Francine Rivers it has been brought to a new light. I finished it and just felt in awe... For the first time I felt the awe struck wonder in Christ. I wondered why God always comes back for us. Are we really worth that love? As a human in this life I say no, we aren't worth it. God should just forget about us. Stop giving us second Chances! That is when you are thankful I am not God, and where I am extremely thankful I am not God.

I realized how undeserving I am of God's love. I live my life thinking I am almost perfect. That I follow the rules and I do as I am told. But in reality, I am so screwed up and messed up and do things everyday that I am not proud of. I leave God to go back to my old ways, but he is always pursuing me and coming back and bringing me back to him. I don't deserve it. But I am truly thankful.

God is a God of redeeming love. He loves us, even when we really don't deserve it, but in God's eye's we are so deserving. I am so thankful that He is my redeemer and that I don't have to rely on anyone in this world to be my redeemer. I only have to rely on God.

Life as I (Lacey Dawn) Know It

So blogger just became even cooler. It has this new thing where you can follow blogs easier by adding them to a dashboard thing and then as they are updated you know easier than going and checking those blogs all the time. Pretty sweet.


So I was adding my friends blogs to my follow list and one of my friends had this quote in the most recent post:
There is magic in long-distance friendships. They let you relate to other human beings in a way that goes beyond being physically together and is often more profound. ~Diana Cortes
I liked it a lot, but sadly it hasn't been very true in my friendships. For a couple it has, like with the person who posted it,and a few more, but with most of them, my friendships with them have died out. Makes me sad. I am a person who relies on friends and good friends at that, but I am also a person who moves around quite a bit. So through that, this quote has come true, or more, been proven wrong time and time again. 
The one thing that always makes me sick about making a move is that your "friends" always tell you that they are going to come and visit, but I have had that happen maybe twice in my life. If I do ever see them again, it is because I make the visit to them. I feel like that is wrong, but it is something that I have come to realize is a part of life.
I do feel however, that I am in a stage in life that I am making friends that will always be friends. I have some awesome friends here in O-Town and I feel and believe that I will always have them as friends. I have learned to not believe when friends say they will come and visit me, but I feel that these friends, maybe not right away or all the time, will come and visit me for vacations :)


So... LIFE AS I KNOW IT... that is a scary statement sometimes. Life right now is a waiting game. A game that usually I don't like to play. But right now I am surprisingly at piece with it. We are still waiting to make the final decision about FL, but Jon and I both feel that God is calling us there and that he will somehow work it out to get us there. 
A couple of the reasons I personally feel this:
1)I have prayed that God would provide someone to replace me at my job because I felt bad just being hired and then possibly having to move right when they will need me most. I had know one in mind, then within like a week I had two people I could recommend for my Job! 
2)I started praying before we went down to Jax to check it out that if God is moving us there, that He would provide for me a job, because with the FL economy it could take a long time for me to find one. We go down there, I share that I love kids and I was going for El Ed and the worship guy and his wife both work in schools and both their mom's work in schools and I could have basically had a job as a para that weekend in the school district down there! crazy huh?
3)We felt very comfortable with the staff down there. The church planter and his wife remind me a lot of my family, which was awesome and would help me, I think, with my homesickness for my family if we moved there.
4)My mom's job just got even sweeter. I believe in a couple weeks or after the New Year she will be able to work while she travels so she won't have to use as many vacation days, but they could come see us more without it affecting her because she would be able to work from FL! 


There is so much more but that is some of it. God is just showing us so many opportunities down there and making us feel as though we should be there now, but we are waiting for the right time. It will be exciting whenever it happens though.


In other news:
We get to be with my family for Thanksgiving!!! I am super excited. I miss them so much and this may be one of the last times I see them for a while. I hate living far away. But I am thankful for facebook and allowing me to watch my nephew's grow without having the privilege of being there to witness it.


We also get to go to FL for Christmas, which should be a hoot. I love the Randall Clan and the Berg Clan. Such a great group of people that I am privileged to call my family now. It will be fun to be able to spend my first Christmas with them this year!


Well that's all for now.. :)

5:12pm... 3 years ago today

3 years ago today, my husband asked me out... who would have known then that it was the start of a beautiful relationship?

I am so thankful for my husband. He is my best friend and I am so glad that he saw something special in me and wanted me to be his. My life would be very different without him in it, that is for sure. I am so blessed to be his wife.

So, we are back from Florida. It was a great trip and very exciting. Still praying and waiting to hear back about it all, mostly the financial piece. if it weren't for that we would be there. it was an awesome time. The church plant and the vision for it is so exciting and I really want to be apart of it and the work that God is going to be doing in Jacksonville. It is so exciting.

The people are great too! I want to be apart of that team and to work with all of them. I feel like it would just be such an awesome experience... hard, but amazing! There was just this instant connection i felt with the people that are already at the church plant. I feel like it could be a really great thing.

Jon and I both feel that God is going to work it out some how for us to get there. We don't know how, or when, but we feel that we will be there. Time will only tell.

now off to make dinner and get ready for small group!

12:12pm

So we are in FL! it is beautiful here!! 73 degrees :) where as Omaha is 53 right now... although i do love fall so that would be a great day there as well.

So we drove around today and checked out the area. We saw where the church is and just the prospects of growth that are around the area. We saw where a ton of town homes and apartments are that are close to the church plant as well. It is looking exciting and I get excited about their vision. I still have a reservation though... so we will see if i get this figured out. It's the financial piece. Everything looks positive, but there is the one big negative of not knowing if they would be able  to support us. It makes me scared because I know we can't go into another situation that is financially like the internship.

But the people are great here and i really like them and it makes me want to be here because i would love to work with them. Especially their Worship pastor and his wife. They are exactly the same age as me and Jon and it seemed that we got along well and just a great couple. I could see them being really good friends of ours.

So there are a lot of positives, but i am still struggling and need to pray about the financial piece of this situation.

That is all for now. We are about to hang out with the Randall clan and I am super excited because i get to meet my beautiful niece Gracie! There will be lots of pictures today, that is for sure... More to come later! :)

11:08pm

So it is almost that time! I am getting super excited actually. Whether we go or not, I am just excited to be able to see family this weekend. :)

I was also thinking, or more, realizing tonight that I am going to really miss my friends I have made here, no matter when we are leaving. I have made some really good friends with a handful of girls and then just the relationships i have at 8:08 are really special.

I think i don't realize how close and how important some people are to me until I am about to move or have the possibility of moving somewhere. I wish I wasn't like that.

I will be posting through out this trip... It is going to be my daily log of keeping myself in check and just as a reminder of this process. It will be fun to look back, no matter what decisions are made this weekend, just to see how God has changed and made me grow through this process.

Goodnight... zzzzzz

Tropical Paradise Anyone?

So the time has come... It is almost here... tomorrow in fact. We will head to Florida to check out this church plant in Jacksonville. If we feel like that is where God is calling us, then we will move there.... in like 2 months!!! Crazy i know! You would think that I would be used to so much change and drastic life change with being a PK, but it never gets easy to uproot yourself and move to a new place. I am freaking out!

We have been praying about this for some time now. I feel like it has been about a year... and it probably has, but more specifically about this adventure it's probably been about 9 months. I am very ready to finally know whether we are staying or going. I get all nervous because I know that after this weekend, we will most likely know whether or not we will be moving to FL.

Wondering about our praying process? well this has been it for the most part. I started out praying in January for God to prepare my heart for where he would be calling us to move to this next year, and that he would move us closer to family. I struggle with homesickness and not being able to see my family very often. So from January to about March/April, that is what I prayed every morning. Then in the early spring time we got a tip about this church plant in FL from my father-in-law. So Jon contacted this guy that was the Church planting director of the district down there. Everything seemed kind of exciting at the time, especially after the winter we had. I was ready to move that day to a tropical climate. So for about two months or so we were in contact with Alfredo and getting some information. Our prayers then changed to, "God show us whether or not you are calling us to FL. Make it clear and give us good discernment about the situation." Along with still praying to be closer to family. Well as it turns out my brother-in-law and sister-in-law live in Jacksonville. It was feeling like God was totally leading us to Jacksonville.

Then it is summer. We don't hear back from them pretty much through the whole summer. We shut down to thinking about FL and start praying that God would just continue to show us where he is leading us. Our next option was to Move in with my parents in CO after this internship, and I am super excited! I would get to be with my family and watch my nephews grow up! The best fix... and to also live rent free for a while to pay off loans... what could be better? Just as Jon and I were agreeing to move out there, and me getting all excited and feeling that it is the best situation for us, God has Brian, the church planter of the church call Jon and say we want you to fly down and check out the church because we are still very interested in you as being the pastor of the church! FREAKING OUT NOW!!!

I had totally moved on from FL and was set on CO. I don't like being told my plans aren't going to work out. I love having control! (which really isn't a good thing, but that's a different story.) So our prays turned back to FL and for God's guidance and for it to be very clear whether or not we are supposed to go there. This time though, neither one of us are very excited at first. We know our financial situation and we know that we have to be very wise about this situation, and to be honest, CO is our safe option and FL was/is freaking scary!!

So for about 4 months straight we have been praying about FL and asking those who are close to us to pray for us as well. It's such a huge decision! We are both more excited now, i mean, we would be close to family and to our new beautiful little Niece! But I'm still nervous. Now, though, I can safely say it is an excited nervousness, with a little bit of fear.

But even with that fear, and something that I like to forget, but always know is true, God Loves me and knows me better than I know myself. He knows how much I can handle and when it all would be too much. He knows our money situations and knows our needs there, and he knows that I am scared. And for all that, I know that my God is big, and that he is my daddy, and that know matter how scared, how lonely, how depressed i may feel, He is always there for me ready to hold me and to guide me on this adventure he has me on.

So pray for us!!! We are leaving tomorrow to check out a place that could take us on the biggest adventure yet. I am very excited to finally know whether it be yes or it be no, but to finally know one way or the other where we will be heading.

Caught in a Monsoon

Literally caught in the middle of a torrential downpour, But at times I have felt like I was caught in a downpour = very sad and lonely.
But I don't feel that today. Today was actually a really good day. My hubby and I got free tickets to an Omaha Royals game, granted they really aren't that expensive to begin with, but it made for a nice night out, until the rain came! And boy did it come. It was really cool to see it under the lights though, not a way you get to enjoy the rain very often.
So I feel like I have a lot of decisions to make but don't know what they are about or what they will call me to do. My husband and I are in the middle of his internship at CCC as the College intern. We get paid crap and I personally don't really understand why we are here still when we really need money. But at the same time, God keeps providing for us in little ways that pretty much are saying this is where we are meant to be. I don't get it. But we are looking and praying about and for our future. I feel like we have so many different directions we could go, but no clear answer as to where to go that I feel confused, and I hate that feeling!

I am a planner. I like to plan out things and no what is going to happen when, but God keeps showing me that I can't plan things, which makes me feel like a loose canon. I don't do well when I don't have control. I guess maybe that is why I keep thinking back to that almost wreck my husband and I were in. I just told him tonight that I don't think I ever felt scared while it was happening, but more a loss of control and no idea what was going to happen.

That's how I feel at the moment. I am spinning in every direction down the interstate with cars coming at me, but not coming close to me, not know what is going to happen. It's a scary feeling when you think about it, but I'm in the moment and I feel a loss of control. I guess that means I need to seek God more and trust him more. I know that He loves me and would never keep me in a place that wasn't for our, more His, benefit, but at this very moment I feel like I am spinning.

What do I do? Sometimes I feel like no matter how much and how fervent I am in my prayers and coming before God it is never enough. A lot of times I feel like that little child scream and dancing and pulling on her daddy's shirt sleeves trying to get attention, but always over looked. I want to be heard! And I know I am, and I know God remains silent for a reason, but I want answers; I want direction; I want the writing on the wall to list plainly what I am supposed to do and where I am supposed to be.

I guess I am in a monsoon... I'm in a downpour of confusion and uneasiness and desperation. GOD I AM CRYING OUT TO YOU! I NEED YOU MORE THAN EVER. GIVE ME DIRECTION. SHOW US/ME WHERE YOU ARE TAKING US. I need you Lord!

Life as I know It

As of last Tuesday I am unemployed. Big curve ball for me, an unexpected end, but one that I was going to bring to an end soon. It was an odd feeling. I didn't actually quit and I wasn't fired, but yet I didn't work for this family anymore.

Then on Friday my car died. Talk about either great timing or lousy timing. Great because I didn't have to drive to a job anymore, but lousy because it makes it even harder to find a job now.

Well I believe this is all in God's plan for me and His timing, isn't everything that happens? But I felt very discouraged still. I felt that I was finally at peace with my walk with God and that I was starting to fully trust Him and not have any doubts, but then all this happened and I felt like I got knocked down again and my faith faltered some. My husband called me out on it even. He asked me what happened to all my faith? He pointed out that I had just three days earlier had so much faith and was all excited about what God was doing in our lives and then a few bumps come along and then I have no faith. It was true... and I didn't know how to get back to that place that I was at. I still don't, but I am trying.

I struggle sometimes with God's plan for me. At times I feel like I know where he is directing me, and other times, which feels like a lot lately, I feel like someone spun me around 20 times and then set me loose to go the way that my dizzy body would take me. I hate that feeling. I want to know what I am supposed to do.

I don't have any clue what I want to do with my life. I know I want to be a wife, which I am now, and that I want to be a mother, which I am still waiting on. But as for work and my career path, I have no clue, other than I want to work with kids but not be a teacher. Which leaves me feeling stranded, scared, nervous, angry, and just blah.

Every where I look around me, everybody seems (from my point of view) to know what they want with their life and where they are going. I did three years of college, then pretty much gave up because I realized the path I was taking wasn't the one for me. Now I am a young married woman with a loving husband, but feeling like a failure for not knowing what God has for me to do in this life. I feel like I am a waste of space. That I am just taking up space in this world where God could be using other's to do such great amazing things.

Change of subject now: Friends.
I have felt so much lately that I am lonely, but then I am reminded that I am loved because my friends will reach out to me a little bit, as much as you can count facebook as reaching out. They will say things like I miss you and when are you going to be back in the area. Why is it that I have to be the one who always goes back and visits them? Am I the only true friend? Why doesn't anyone feel the need to come to me or come to my area? I get sick of trying so hard sometimes to keep them close. I wonder how many of them would still "contact" me if I didn't make any effort to keep our friendship alive. Part of me is scared to do that, because I already feel lonely and I don't think I could handle that truth. But I am tired of no one coming to see me, even when they say they will come see me, and wanting me to come see them.

I am just tired in general. Life is a tropical jungle at the moment. It is very hard to navigate through and I am stuck in the thick of it and not sure how to get out. I will just continue to seek God and know that He will continue to provide for me as He always has.