Life has not gone exactly the way I had pictured it would go for me, but I believe that is a good thing because that means I am not in control, but God is, and that is the way I want it to be. God has been teaching me plenty lately, and a lot of it I don't want to be taught :) but obviously I need to be taught it. Such as money and how we handle it, to my relationship with my mom, past grudges and holding on to things way too long, to how I cope with change in my life. So here it goes, this may be a long note.
Money: So God has been trying to get my attention for a long time here, but it has finally hit home. Jon and I haven't been the wisest with our money since we have gotten married. Not that we have spent super foolishly, but more we haven't paid things well. God has shown me that I haven't fully trusted Him in this area and I have kept tight reigns here and need to give it over fully to Him. That is going to be hard, but pray for me as I pray for God to help me give this up to Him.
My mom: I love my mom to death! I am her mini me. But growing up we weren't super close and I think I understand some aspects as to why we weren't. 1) She was sick with clinical depression when she had me and struggled with sleep issues so my dad got up a lot in the night to take care of me and I believe that could be a reason as to why our relationship struggled as I was growing up. 2) I am exactly like her. We both love to read, to be some where comfortable, we hate change, and cry a lot when we miss our family. I am my mother's daughter. After reading this two book saga from Francine Rivers (Marta's legacy) I have realized that I don't know all of my mom's story and want to know it and want to know more about her sickness when I was born. We are super close now, but I feel like I need to know more about her past to truly understand her better. So I am hoping that when we are together at Easter we will have time to talk about her life :).
Grudges: I tend to hold things in, and let it swell into bitterness and still not deal with it. I believe that is another area where God is teaching me. Today I met with a girl in my small group and I realized that I had been holding onto this grudge towards a previous small group leader since 9th grade!! Holy buckets was it eye opening in the moment. I came home and felt very strongly that I need to write this leader a message and ask for forgiveness. I still deal with bitterness towards what happened in MN, and I don't know why because I know I have forgiven those people and everything, but I get so nervous and skeptical of small church's. It is very unhealthy. Pray that God helps me to relinquish that to Him fully. I don't want to become this bitter old lady one day.
Change: So we are coming to an end of our internship. Part of me is really ready to start a new chapter and to see what God wants to teach us in this next step of life, and part of me hates that fact that God is going to make me start all over again. I was talking to my friend Thursday night, she is also a pastor's kid, and we both agreed that we have this unhealthy need for change that comes around every 2-5 years because that is the cycle of moving we had as PK's. We both realized that even though we long for stability and comfort, we have this unhealthy fear of being in one place too long and need the change of scenery. I also have noticed a pattern in my life that when I know change is coming, I shut people out early so I don't feel the pain of loss so strongly when the time for change comes. I wanted to do things differently in the end of this internship, but old habit's die hard. Please pray that I can finish strong here and not shut people out like I am so used to doing.
To say that least, I am growing up. I love that I am married and can spend the rest of my life with my best friend, but there are days that if I was given the opportunity to go back and be ten forever I would do it in a heart beat. Life isn't easy. I am learning that first hand. But with God's help and guidance I know I will survive this life and Live for eternity with Him in Heaven!
You are an awesome young woman Lacey Dawn! Just think, if you were only 10, you would have to relive the things that have been the hard stuff you are talking about :)
ReplyDeleteReading your blog, you are so much like me and I'm glad. I'm sorry you never felt close to me growing up, I always loved you with all of my heart and still do :) I remember going through something just like what you are doing now, self analyzing, that...is so like me, I wanted to know my mom's story and so forth. You know it more than you think, our lives have been open books. You were just so young that you want to remember it from a different perspective now. Don't worry honey, you are going to continue to grow and have an awesome life, I hope it gets to be near me though :)We can talk all you want over easter, ok. I love you sweety!
Just so everyone knows, I love my mom to death and she is the best mom in the world. I just realized I want to know more about my mom, cuz i know things, but i feel like it is vague and want to know more. She is my best friend and we talk about everything and I love her to death! :)
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