Literally caught in the middle of a torrential downpour, But at times I have felt like I was caught in a downpour = very sad and lonely.
But I don't feel that today. Today was actually a really good day. My hubby and I got free tickets to an Omaha Royals game, granted they really aren't that expensive to begin with, but it made for a nice night out, until the rain came! And boy did it come. It was really cool to see it under the lights though, not a way you get to enjoy the rain very often.
So I feel like I have a lot of decisions to make but don't know what they are about or what they will call me to do. My husband and I are in the middle of his internship at CCC as the College intern. We get paid crap and I personally don't really understand why we are here still when we really need money. But at the same time, God keeps providing for us in little ways that pretty much are saying this is where we are meant to be. I don't get it. But we are looking and praying about and for our future. I feel like we have so many different directions we could go, but no clear answer as to where to go that I feel confused, and I hate that feeling!
I am a planner. I like to plan out things and no what is going to happen when, but God keeps showing me that I can't plan things, which makes me feel like a loose canon. I don't do well when I don't have control. I guess maybe that is why I keep thinking back to that almost wreck my husband and I were in. I just told him tonight that I don't think I ever felt scared while it was happening, but more a loss of control and no idea what was going to happen.
That's how I feel at the moment. I am spinning in every direction down the interstate with cars coming at me, but not coming close to me, not know what is going to happen. It's a scary feeling when you think about it, but I'm in the moment and I feel a loss of control. I guess that means I need to seek God more and trust him more. I know that He loves me and would never keep me in a place that wasn't for our, more His, benefit, but at this very moment I feel like I am spinning.
What do I do? Sometimes I feel like no matter how much and how fervent I am in my prayers and coming before God it is never enough. A lot of times I feel like that little child scream and dancing and pulling on her daddy's shirt sleeves trying to get attention, but always over looked. I want to be heard! And I know I am, and I know God remains silent for a reason, but I want answers; I want direction; I want the writing on the wall to list plainly what I am supposed to do and where I am supposed to be.
I guess I am in a monsoon... I'm in a downpour of confusion and uneasiness and desperation. GOD I AM CRYING OUT TO YOU! I NEED YOU MORE THAN EVER. GIVE ME DIRECTION. SHOW US/ME WHERE YOU ARE TAKING US. I need you Lord!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Life as I know It
As of last Tuesday I am unemployed. Big curve ball for me, an unexpected end, but one that I was going to bring to an end soon. It was an odd feeling. I didn't actually quit and I wasn't fired, but yet I didn't work for this family anymore.
Then on Friday my car died. Talk about either great timing or lousy timing. Great because I didn't have to drive to a job anymore, but lousy because it makes it even harder to find a job now.
Well I believe this is all in God's plan for me and His timing, isn't everything that happens? But I felt very discouraged still. I felt that I was finally at peace with my walk with God and that I was starting to fully trust Him and not have any doubts, but then all this happened and I felt like I got knocked down again and my faith faltered some. My husband called me out on it even. He asked me what happened to all my faith? He pointed out that I had just three days earlier had so much faith and was all excited about what God was doing in our lives and then a few bumps come along and then I have no faith. It was true... and I didn't know how to get back to that place that I was at. I still don't, but I am trying.
I struggle sometimes with God's plan for me. At times I feel like I know where he is directing me, and other times, which feels like a lot lately, I feel like someone spun me around 20 times and then set me loose to go the way that my dizzy body would take me. I hate that feeling. I want to know what I am supposed to do.
I don't have any clue what I want to do with my life. I know I want to be a wife, which I am now, and that I want to be a mother, which I am still waiting on. But as for work and my career path, I have no clue, other than I want to work with kids but not be a teacher. Which leaves me feeling stranded, scared, nervous, angry, and just blah.
Every where I look around me, everybody seems (from my point of view) to know what they want with their life and where they are going. I did three years of college, then pretty much gave up because I realized the path I was taking wasn't the one for me. Now I am a young married woman with a loving husband, but feeling like a failure for not knowing what God has for me to do in this life. I feel like I am a waste of space. That I am just taking up space in this world where God could be using other's to do such great amazing things.
Change of subject now: Friends.
I have felt so much lately that I am lonely, but then I am reminded that I am loved because my friends will reach out to me a little bit, as much as you can count facebook as reaching out. They will say things like I miss you and when are you going to be back in the area. Why is it that I have to be the one who always goes back and visits them? Am I the only true friend? Why doesn't anyone feel the need to come to me or come to my area? I get sick of trying so hard sometimes to keep them close. I wonder how many of them would still "contact" me if I didn't make any effort to keep our friendship alive. Part of me is scared to do that, because I already feel lonely and I don't think I could handle that truth. But I am tired of no one coming to see me, even when they say they will come see me, and wanting me to come see them.
I am just tired in general. Life is a tropical jungle at the moment. It is very hard to navigate through and I am stuck in the thick of it and not sure how to get out. I will just continue to seek God and know that He will continue to provide for me as He always has.
Then on Friday my car died. Talk about either great timing or lousy timing. Great because I didn't have to drive to a job anymore, but lousy because it makes it even harder to find a job now.
Well I believe this is all in God's plan for me and His timing, isn't everything that happens? But I felt very discouraged still. I felt that I was finally at peace with my walk with God and that I was starting to fully trust Him and not have any doubts, but then all this happened and I felt like I got knocked down again and my faith faltered some. My husband called me out on it even. He asked me what happened to all my faith? He pointed out that I had just three days earlier had so much faith and was all excited about what God was doing in our lives and then a few bumps come along and then I have no faith. It was true... and I didn't know how to get back to that place that I was at. I still don't, but I am trying.
I struggle sometimes with God's plan for me. At times I feel like I know where he is directing me, and other times, which feels like a lot lately, I feel like someone spun me around 20 times and then set me loose to go the way that my dizzy body would take me. I hate that feeling. I want to know what I am supposed to do.
I don't have any clue what I want to do with my life. I know I want to be a wife, which I am now, and that I want to be a mother, which I am still waiting on. But as for work and my career path, I have no clue, other than I want to work with kids but not be a teacher. Which leaves me feeling stranded, scared, nervous, angry, and just blah.
Every where I look around me, everybody seems (from my point of view) to know what they want with their life and where they are going. I did three years of college, then pretty much gave up because I realized the path I was taking wasn't the one for me. Now I am a young married woman with a loving husband, but feeling like a failure for not knowing what God has for me to do in this life. I feel like I am a waste of space. That I am just taking up space in this world where God could be using other's to do such great amazing things.
Change of subject now: Friends.
I have felt so much lately that I am lonely, but then I am reminded that I am loved because my friends will reach out to me a little bit, as much as you can count facebook as reaching out. They will say things like I miss you and when are you going to be back in the area. Why is it that I have to be the one who always goes back and visits them? Am I the only true friend? Why doesn't anyone feel the need to come to me or come to my area? I get sick of trying so hard sometimes to keep them close. I wonder how many of them would still "contact" me if I didn't make any effort to keep our friendship alive. Part of me is scared to do that, because I already feel lonely and I don't think I could handle that truth. But I am tired of no one coming to see me, even when they say they will come see me, and wanting me to come see them.
I am just tired in general. Life is a tropical jungle at the moment. It is very hard to navigate through and I am stuck in the thick of it and not sure how to get out. I will just continue to seek God and know that He will continue to provide for me as He always has.
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